There was the guy at Denny's who only heard me say "vagina." He looked up, smiled, gave me the nod, and said, "What's up?" He hit on me because he heard me say a part of the female anatomy. I was talking about The Vagina Monologues.
Then there was the guy who, walking past me on campus, heard me say to my friends, "I didn't realize she was naked until after I had taken the picture!"
He stopped in his tracks, turned around, and looked straight at me. "Now that is a very interesting statement!"
There was no use even trying to explain. I had been telling my friends about a parade I saw while I was studying abroad in London. I had been taking pictures of all the great costumes when I looked up from my camera and realized that the lady dressed as a cat, whom I had just snapped a picture of, was not dressed as a cat at all—she was painted as a cat.
It comes as a surprise to many of my friends that situations like this rarely make me blush. I find them funny more than anything else. It takes a little bit more than words to get me embarrassed. But it has happened.
One summer my best friend Carlie and I spent a week with my family at our cabin in Twain Harte. One day we were out at Pinecrest Lake and decided to rent a kayak. We paid $15 and were led to our boat, which we were allotted an hour to use. We were pretty ambitious and decided to kayak all the way across the lake and back in an hour.
We paddled for a little while, maybe ten minutes, but got tired and decided to rest for a few minutes. We sat in the kayak, gossiped, and took in the beauty of the lake, the bright blue sky, and the trees all around us. We continued this cycle of rowing and resting until we reached the other side of the lake.
We basked in the sun for a few minutes on the far side of the lake before heading back to the opposite shore. That's when I looked at my watch and realized it had been almost 45 minutes since we rented the kayak.
"It's okay," we joked. "We're cute girls. If they try to make us pay extra, we can just flash them."
Still, though, we decided we had better book it and try to get back in time. We began paddling back, but this time we had a system. We sang upbeat Taylor Swift songs to keep our rowing in sync.
I hate that stupid old pickup truck you never let me drive...
Completely out of breath after singing the whole way across the lake, we pulled the boat up to the dock a little over 20 minutes later. We were late, but not too late.
The cute guy who was working at the lake this summer came over and held the kayak to the side of the dock, steadying the boat so we could get out without falling. He was crouched down right in front of where Carlie was getting out and right behind where I struggled to get both feet onto the dock.
I finally got all the way up and was in the most awkward squatting position right in front of this cute guy, who was in the same squatting position right behind me. This means that his face was directly behind, and mere inches away from, my butt.
I guess a string had come untied while I was crawling onto the dock, because right then my swimsuit bottom fell off completely.
"Oh, we're just trying to flash you to get a discount!" Carlie told him in what I think was an attempt to make me feel less embarrassed.
"Yeah, I get that a lot," he laughed. "Sorry, you've got to flash me before you pay."
Whenever my dad talks about stories of his nudity, he likes to use one of his favorite puns and say that he was very em-bare-assed. I can definitely say that in more than one way, this incident was quite em-bare-ass-ing.
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| Me, Carlie, and the swimsuit that contributed to my wardrobe malfunction |
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