Butt Buddy

My friend Alicia and I love to exchange “awkward Caf stories.” As I have said before, things I say are often overheard and taken out of context. Also, our school Cafeteria is pretty small, and the close quarters cause inevitable bumping and brushing. A couple weeks ago I was dancing over to the vegetarian line and almost smashed into my World Civilizations professor. People are seldom paying attention to where they are going, so I have been stepped on and run into more times than I remember.

My favorite awkward Caf story, however, was completely my fault.

I walked into the Cafeteria and headed straight toward the vegetarian line. I’m not a real vegetarian; I’ve actually just been a pescetarian for a few months. But anyway, out of the questionable array of choices my school’s Cafeteria offers, the vegetarian options tend to be the safest.

As I reached the line, the girl in front of me went up to the counter to grab a plate. She walked back to the line and headed toward where the line ended, right behind me. I had seen her in line in front of me, and really I didn’t think that grabbing a plate merited losing a place in line.

“Go ahead,” I said as I motioned with both hands extended in front of me. But apparently I hadn’t been paying much attention, because there was a guy standing in line right in front of me. Each one of my hands, extended in front of me, perfectly cupped each one of his butt cheeks. As soon as I realized what had just happened, I immediately retracted my hands.

“Oh my gosh! Sorry!”

“Oh,” he said, seemingly unfazed by my groping. “It’s cool.”

The worst thing (or maybe the best thing) is that I go to a very small school of about 3,000. I see this guy, whom my friends and I refer to as my “butt buddy” or the “butt guy,” almost every day. I wonder if he sees me and says to his friends, “That’s the girl who grabbed my butt in the Caf.”

Butt buddy, if you ever read this, I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable that day. I hope our interaction was as entertaining for you as it has been for me and my friends, and I hope that this story is one that you tell when someone brings up the topic of “awkward Caf stories.”